Mentorship For Dummies
SPOILER: I’M THE DUMMY
Mentorship. Throughout my 20s, that word made my skin crawl. I had only a vague notion of what it meant, but knew it was something I was supposed to be doing. I don’t much like being told what to do. Also, it felt dirty, like currying favor rather than earning it. Like “networking.” Blech.
So I avoided it. DIY all the way. Just me, myself and I. But in June 2009, it was suddenly no longer just me. I had an infant and a notoriously rigorous, 60-hour-per-week, travel-all-the-time job. I was finally forced to admit it: I would not be able to do this on my own. I needed help.
I made a list of the senior leaders I knew well – with whom I’d worked directly and had a connection – and started setting up meetings. To my surprise, it was totally easy! I was facing real challenges and they were happy to talk them through with me, sometimes with answers, more often helping me frame the questions. But, most importantly (and most terrifyingly), I asked each of them if there was anyone else they’d recommend I reach out to. Then, I did.
If that first group of senior leaders was my inner ring, their recommendations formed a second. I soon got to a third and even a fourth ring. Most of those conversations were good, fine. A small number of them were painful – awkward silences, no insight, pulling teeth. But, so what? No doubt, I was as unmemorable to them as they were to me. A few of those connections were truly amazing – real lightbulbs, genuine interest, new supporters.
I’ll never forget one of those phone calls – with a senior partner, LG. He was third or fourth ring, based in a different office and leader of the North American Insurance Practice, the industry I was considering dedicating myself to. We absolutely hit it off. He was engaged, focused, creative, encouraging. He was also a really big deal and I had no right to take his time. But, I wanted to talk to him again. So I shyly, haltingly ventured: “So, this has been really great. Would it be maybe … sometime, if it’s alright … would you mind terribly if I, maybe, sometime … not too often, don’t worry … got on your calendar again?”
He laughed at me. Long and loud. Then said something that has shifted the way I think about mentorship: “Marja, helping you succeed is my job. It’s what I get paid for. Of course, you can get on my calendar anytime you’d like. I have 20 people parading through my office every day. It’s what I do as a leader at this Firm. I do everything I can to build the next generation of leaders.”
Gasp.
He gets paid for this?!?!?!?! I’m not imposing on him. I’m not laying my small problems at the feet of someone who’s got more important things to do. I’m not encroaching on his time. I’m helping him do his job! It’s a service I’m offering: to assist him in earning his paycheck!
As soon as I started thinking about mentorship as something leaders just do, I realized I’d been receiving mentorship all along. It was like one of those movies that you’re confused most of the way through – with all of these different, seemingly unrelated plot lines that come together miraculously at the end. Where they splice together short clips from scenes that suddenly make sense. Think: Usual Suspects.
It all fit. One colleague, DC, showed up in my office every Friday from the day I started. He came to say ‘hi’ and ask me about my week. Sometimes it was just social. Sometimes we got into the hairy mess that had gone down – he was mentoring me! Or the partner on my first project, CH, who made it his mission to get this scientist to be comfortable expressing an opinion on limited facts. At dinner: “quick, what’s your favorite sushi?” Riding in a cab: “quick, would you prefer that car or that car?” Sitting at the airport: “quick, what do you think he does for a living?” He was mentoring me! Or my evaluator, WP, who tried to tackle the same problem by suggesting I focus on asking smart questions in team meetings, to reduce the pressure of making assertions before I was ready. He was mentoring me!
Now that I knew what I was looking for, I could see it everywhere. And, as I’ve become the senior one, it continues to influence how I think about being the mentor. It’s not something I do once in a while, when it’s convenient, but every day, so deeply habitualized that I’m not even always conscious myself that I’m doing it. Because when it comes to leadership, mentoring is the job.
